Why Is It So Hard to Be Kind to Myself? An IFS Perspective

2 min read

Self-compassion is one of those ideas that sounds simple until we actually try to practise it.

Treat yourself with kindness.
Speak to yourself as you would a friend.
Be gentle with your mistakes.

Most of us understand the idea. Yet something inside resists it.

Sometimes quite strongly.

People can be incredibly compassionate towards others while being much harder on themselves. They understand a friend’s struggles, forgive a partner’s mistakes or offer patience to their children. But when it comes to their own pain, a very different voice appears.

A voice that criticises, judges, pushes and demands more.

It can be tempting to see this critical voice as the problem. From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, though, it’s more helpful to become curious about it.

What if this part of you isn't trying to hurt you?

What if it’s trying to help?

This sounds strange at first. After all, self-criticism can feel harsh and painful. But many self-critical parts have taken on their role because they believe criticism serves an important purpose and you’ll pay attention

If that inner critic push’s you hard enough, you won't fail.

It worries being kind to yourself will make you complacent.

Perhaps it believes that if you stop striving, you’ll fall behind, disappoint someone or be rejected.

From this perspective, self-criticism can begin to look less like cruelty and more like a protective strategy. A painful one, certainly. But still an attempt to protect.

This doesn't mean we need to agree with the critic or accept the things it says about us. And it doesn't mean the impact of constant criticism isn't harmful.

Instead, IFS invites us to become interested in the part behind the criticism.

Ask yourself:

“What does this part fear would happen if it stopped pushing or criticising me?”

Often, there’s something important underneath.

Fear of failing.
Fear of being rejected.
Fear of not being good enough.
Fear that without constant effort, everything might fall apart.

Developing a different relationship with your inner critic

If you notice a critical voice, you could try an IFS approach rather than immediately trying to stop it.

When you notice the criticism, pause for a moment.

Instead of asking, “How do I get rid of this?”, you might gently ask:

“What is this part worried might happen?”

Just notice what comes up without needing to change or solve anything.

You could try saying internally:

“I notice a part of me is really worried about getting this right.”

This small shift from “I am not good enough” to “There is a part of me that’s worried I am not good enough” can create a little space between you and the critical voice.

It’s not about forcing yourself to feel compassion towards the inner critic. Being willing to understand it’s role can be a beginning of a more compassionate relationship with it.

If the part doesn't want to soften, that's okay too. Just get curious. It may have good reasons for being cautious.

This is one of the things I appreciate about IFS. It gives us a way to relate to the pasts of us we struggle with. Rather than trying to silence, push away or distract ourselves from them, we begin to understand them.

It doesn’t have to be a battle against ourselves. Its possible to develop a different relationship based on validation and respect with parts of us that have been working so hard, sometimes for many years, to keep us safe.

When those parts feel understood rather than judged and fought against, they don't have to work quite so hard.

Self-compassion doesn't necessarily begin with telling yourself to think positively or force yourself to be kinder.

It can begin somewhere much gentler

Understanding why kindness has felt so difficult in the first place.

From there, there may be more room to meet yourself with the same understanding you so readily offer to others.

Anunda provides IFS therapy in Fremantle, WA, and on-line Australia-wide.